The life of half-faith, faith mixed with fear and doubt

I’ve been meaning to write a reflection every day for the past couple of months. It’s been such an eventful time. I’ve been learning so much, and I have been stretched so far, but I haven’t found the emotional energy to be able to put fingers to keyboard.

I’ve been travelling the journey of the last couple of months in the company of N.T. Wright and his commentary/devotional Matthew for everyone.  For the last few years I have felt like Tom Wright has been a bit of a mentor as I have consumed books and listened to podcasts. He has a very helpful way of putting the bible in context and explaining the theological nuances that are usually revolutionary.

In yesterday’s devotion, Wright was reflecting on the story of Jesus walking on water. He said that

This story can be read as a picture of the life of faith – or rather the life of half-faith, faith mixed with fear and doubt, which is the typical state of so many Christians, as it was with the disciples. Matthew isn’t too worried about Peter’s reputation. It seems to see-saw to and fro, not least (as we shall see) in chapter 16, and then in the final days of Jesus’ life. Peter is something of a larger-than-life character anyway: impetuous, ready for anything, tending to act first and think afterwards. An endearing but risky characteristic. Would you rather have a friend who did what seemed the right thing and then worried about it later, or one who spent so much time thinking it all through that it would take weeks to get anything done?

As he draws his discussion of the story to a close Wright makes a couple of important points:

As far as we know, walking on water in the literal sense wasn’t something the early Christians expected to do themselves. Paul, facing another shipwreck, never imagined that getting out of the boat and strolling off to the shore was a viable option. So its likely that Matthew expects his readers to ‘hear’ this story in terms of their own journey of faith – and their own struggles with doubt.

There are many times when Jesus asks us to do what seems impossible. How can we even begin to do the task he’s called us to? How can we even think of doing without that sin which we’re asked to give up? How can we really suppose we might be able to develop a serious habit of prayer when we’re so frantic and disorganised?

Of course, if like Peter we look at the waves being lashed by the wind, we will conclude that it is indeed impossible. What we are called to do – it’s so basic and obvious, but so hard to do in practice – is to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, and our ears open for his encouragement (even if it does contain some rebuke as well). And our wills and hearts must be ready to do what he says, even if it seems crazy at the time.

I have found Wright’s take on the story very helpful. I have had a profoundly challenging few months as at lots of different levels it has felt like God was almost forcing me out of the boat that I have known and onto water that looks disasterously dangerous. I have been learning lots, but often feeling a bit desperate because I couldn’t work out how to make things work.

I needed to be reminded of this simple story. The boat might be comfortable but its not where I am called to be. My job isn’t to construct a new plan of water walking, or develop a new approach to aquatics, but to look into the eyes of Jesus and trust that he has got me, even when I don’t have the answers myself.

Faith Reflections was always intended to be about the wrestle for authentic faith. Sadly I keep being reminded that there is no safe way to have faith. It is always about trusting someone other than myself, stepping into a place where all the answers are not yet clear. Faith always seems to be asking me into a place of weakness and trust. Turns out, that is where I find the life that is never present from the inside of the boat.