Six Ways We Structure Time — And Why It Matters.

We tend to think of time as something that passes.

Minutes. Hours. Weeks.

But the truth is, we are always structuring time. And the way we structure time shapes our relationships, our church life, and even our sense of hope.

There’s an insight from transactional analysis — explored by Eric Berne and later by Dorothy and James Jongeward in Born to Win — that says human beings structure time in six basic ways.

Most of us move through all six every week without noticing.

But if you start to notice, you may discover something confronting.

Because in what may be the loneliest culture in the history of the world, how we structure time determines whether we experience intimacy — or avoid it.

The six ways are:

1. Withdrawal
2. Ritual
3. Pastime
4. Activity
5. Psychological Games
6. Intimacy

Let’s walk through them slowly.

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1. Withdrawal — Present but Not There

Withdrawal is when you pull back.

It can be healthy. Jesus withdrew to lonely places and prayed. Solitude fuels love. Sabbath is not a religious burden; it is part of God’s design. We are not meant to live in constant noise.

But there is unhealthy withdrawal too.

You can sit at a dinner table and be scrolling on your phone.

You can be physically present but emotionally absent.

You can shut down the moment conversation becomes uncomfortable.

Distraction is not rest.

In our culture, withdrawal is easy. We can live entire evenings in the same room with people and never really be there.

Ask yourself:

• When do I withdraw in healthy ways?
• When do I withdraw to avoid being seen?
• What would happen if I stayed present when things feel awkward?

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2. Ritual — Safe Patterns That Keep Things Moving

Rituals are agreed patterns of behaviour.

“Hello.”

“How are you?”

“Good thanks.”

Every family has rituals. Every culture has rituals. Every church has rituals. In some families, when someone invites you to stay for dinner, you are meant to say no the first time because they will ask again. In others, if you say no, they take you at your word and you’ve missed your chance.

Rituals help us navigate life. They stop things from becoming chaotic. Even church services have rituals — whether we realise it or not.

But rituals can also keep things shallow.

You can go through the ritual of greeting someone for years and never actually ask how they are.

Ritual keeps things smooth. It does not automatically create intimacy.

Ask yourself:

• Where have I replaced real conversation with polite routine?
• Do people in my life know more than my ritual responses?

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3. Pastime — Talking Without Revealing

Pastimes pass time.

They are safe conversations. Sport. Weather. Politics. Work. Church programs.

There is nothing wrong with them. Often, pastimes are how we test the water. We talk about something light to see whether it is safe to go deeper.

But if pastimes are all we ever do, we never move beyond the surface.

You can attend church for years and discuss theology without ever admitting doubt.

You can have breakfast with friends and talk about the same topics in circles.

Pastimes feel friendly. But they can protect you from exposure.

Ask yourself:

• Who actually knows what is going on inside me?
• When was the last time I moved beyond safe topics?
• Do I keep conversations light because I am afraid of being seen?

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4. Activity — Busy but Not Known

Activity is purposeful engagement with the real world.

Work. Service. Cooking together. Building something. Making a difference.

Activity is deeply good. Before sin entered the world, humanity was placed in the garden to work it and take care of it. We are created in Christ Jesus to do good works prepared in advance for us.

There is no retirement in the kingdom of God. There is reassignment. We all need purpose.

But activity can also become a shield.

You can serve in church for decades and never let anyone close.

You can work side by side with someone for years and never share your heart.

Busyness can protect you from intimacy.

Ask yourself:

• Is my activity connecting me — or protecting me?
• If I slowed down, what would surface?
• Do I know how to stop and just be present?

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5. Psychological Games — Hidden Motives, Predictable Payoffs

This one is the most confronting.

Psychological games are recurring patterns of interaction with hidden motives and predictable emotional outcomes.

They are indirect conversations.

Instead of saying, “I need encouragement,” you say, “This meal probably isn’t very good,” hoping someone will contradict you.

Instead of saying, “I feel hurt,” you make a sarcastic comment.

Games always include:

• A hidden message
• Emotional manipulation
• A predictable emotional ending

And often both people walk away feeling unsettled.

Growing up means saying what you actually feel.

It means asking directly for what you need.

It means taking responsibility for your emotional world. It is never true that somebody else made you feel something. Your emotions are yours.

And it means being willing to hear the word no.

Jesus could hear no. The rich young ruler walked away. Jesus did not manipulate him. He did not soften the truth to keep him.

Speaking the truth in love is how we grow.

Games avoid truth.

Ask yourself:

• Where do I communicate indirectly?
• What am I trying to get without asking?
• What emotional payoff do I repeat?

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6. Intimacy — Seeing and Being Seen

Intimacy is the highest and riskiest way to structure time.

It is the moment where you actually see someone — and they know they are seen.

It is mutual presence.

It produces warmth. Affection. Connection.

It requires courage.

Usually one person has to be mature enough to start.

This is what made Jesus’ meals different.

He welcomed people as they were. He created space where tax collectors and sinners could sit at the table and know they were accepted.

But He did not become a neutral nobody. He confronted. He told the truth. He had boundaries.

Real hospitality holds receptivity and confrontation together.

Intimacy without boundaries becomes chaos.

Boundaries without receptivity become cold.

Intimacy is where welcome and truth meet.

That is why Jesus changed the world.

Not because He was busy.

Not because He mastered ritual.

But because He looked people in the eyes and spoke from who He really was.

His words carried weight because they were not borrowed religion. They came from intimacy with the Father.

And that is why this matters for us.

We are called to live in such a way that people see the hope within us. That hope becomes visible when we refuse games. When we remain present. When we stop hiding.

But intimacy costs something.

It is shaped like a cross.

On the night He was betrayed, Jesus took bread and said, “This is my body.” He gave us a meal so we would remember that love is not abstract.

Communion is not a private moment. Paul warns that if we eat without recognising the body, we are missing the point. Faith is not solo. Church is not a service. We are meant to be a family.

And families require intimacy.

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Which Way Dominates You?

All six ways of structuring time are human.

The question is not whether you use them.

The question is which one dominates your life.

If your life is mostly withdrawal, you may be lonely.

If it is mostly ritual and pastime, you may be surrounded by people but unknown.

If it is mostly activity, you may be productive but disconnected.

If it is mostly games, you may be exhausted.

If intimacy is rare, something important is missing.

So this week, simply notice.

Notice how you structure your conversations.

Notice where you hide.

Notice where you feel most alive.

And when you sit down at a table with someone, don’t just pass the time.

Be present.

Be honest.

See them.

Let yourself be seen.

In a culture drowning in loneliness, that is no small thing.