When our friends become prospects

I still remember the first time a friend gave me the Amway pitch.

This was someone I trusted. They wanted to talk about my future and the things that really mattered to me. I thought that sounded like a good conversation.

Then something changed. We had been talking quite normally, but suddenly it felt as though they were rehearsing lines. They asked about my big dreams.

I said I wanted to follow Jesus.

Apparently that wasn’t quite the answer they were looking for. What were my real dreams?

They did have some good products. But what stayed with me was the feeling that something had happened to our friendship. I had become a prospect.

I wonder how often people have felt that with us.

We want people to know Jesus. We believe he changes lives. But somewhere along the way, our desire for someone to respond can start to shape every conversation. We listen for an opening. We become disappointed when the conversation doesn’t go where we hoped.

The person may still think we are simply being their friend.

This is the third time I have worked through The Art of Neighboring, and its chapter on motives has given me something to wrestle with again.

The authors distinguish between ulterior motives and ultimate motives.

An ulterior motive is concealed. We appear to be doing one thing while privately trying to achieve something else. Friendship becomes a way of getting the result we want.

An ultimate motive is the destination we hope for. I do believe that the best thing for anyone is to know Jesus. I believe he is the way, the truth and the life.

But I also believe that he is the way, the truth and the life, and I’m not.

He doesn’t need me to manipulate people into knowing him. My task is to love them and be honest about the difference he makes in my life.

Jay Pathak and Dave Runyon put it this way:

“We don’t love our neighbors to convert them; we love our neighbors because we are converted.”¹

That is worth sitting with.

Would I still want to be your friend if you never became a Christian? Would I still make time for you if you told me you had no interest in coming to church?

Those questions help uncover what is happening in our hearts.

Paul was clear that his appeal did not come from impure motives or an attempt to trick people. He understood that he was accountable to God, who tests our hearts.² Our motives matter, even when the outcome we want seems good.

I think some of us have become so uncomfortable with manipulative approaches to evangelism that we have gone quiet. We don’t want anyone to feel pressured, so we avoid talking about the person who matters most to us.

But we can be honest. We can let people know who we are, what we hope for and why we follow Jesus. They should be able to trust that our affection for them will continue whether or not they agree.

The starting point is knowing that we are loved ourselves.

John says that love begins with God loving us and sending his Son for us. Our love for one another grows out of that love.³ We didn’t earn it by being particularly clever, useful or impressive.

Our neighbours shouldn’t have to earn their love from us either.

Jesus makes this confronting when he tells us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. He points to the sun rising and the rain falling on people regardless of whether they are good or bad. The generosity of the Father is meant to become visible in his children.⁴

That includes the neighbour who is difficult. It includes the person who thinks we are wrong. It includes people who are never going to be useful to us.

It also means getting to know them.

In the sermon, I described four levels of friendship, drawing on the chapter’s discussion of how conversations deepen.

Context friends share what they can both see and experience. We talk about the weather, the garden or the queue we are standing in.

Information friends know something about one another’s lives. We know about work, family and the places someone has lived.

Dreams and desires friends begin to understand what matters to someone. We hear what they hope for, what they care about and what they want their life to become.

Regrets, losses and pain friends know some of the difficult experiences that have shaped us.

More of us becomes available to the relationship as we share more of ourselves.

Knowing information about me is a beginning. But there is a difference between knowing where I have lived and understanding what I was hoping for when I moved, or what I found difficult when I got there.

Relationships grow as we build those bridges of shared truth. That takes time, listening and a willingness to let someone know us too.

Jesus is real at every one of those levels. We don’t have to wait until a friendship is deep before we can mention him. But if our faith only ever comes across as information, people may never see how deeply he has met us.

He shapes our dreams and desires. He meets us in our pain.

That is why I find Peter’s words about sharing hope so helpful. He is writing to Christians facing suffering when he tells them to be ready to explain the hope they have, with gentleness and respect.⁵

Hope becomes particularly noticeable in places where we wouldn’t normally expect to find it.

Think about the people who have made the biggest difference to you. My guess is that some of them have known real difficulty. You have seen them hold on to Jesus when life was painful, confusing or unresolved.

Sharing your faith includes sharing that part of your life. It includes where you are still learning to trust him.

You don’t need to make your story sound more successful than it is. You can tell the truth about where you struggle and how Jesus has been with you there.

And you can listen when someone trusts you with their own story.

There is also a relief in remembering that we are not responsible for producing the growth. Paul planted, Apollos watered, and God made things grow.⁶ We are responsible for being faithful with the relationships we have.

Jesus’ command to make disciples includes teaching people to obey what he commanded. Loving our neighbours belongs right in the middle of that. We help people see what following him means as we learn to follow him ourselves.⁷

We can begin where we already are: where we live, learn, work and play.

Make time. Learn a name. Listen carefully. Be willing to share something true about yourself and the Jesus you are learning to trust.

You are loved.

The person next door needs to experience something of that love through you.

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1. Jay Pathak and Dave Runyon, The Art of Neighboring, chapter 7, “Motives Matter.” ?
2. 1 Thessalonians 2:3–4. ?
3. 1 John 4:10–11. ?
4. Matthew 5:43–48. ?
5. 1 Peter 3:14–15. ?
6. 1 Corinthians 3:6–8. ?
7. Matthew 28:18–20; Matthew 22:37–40. ?