Find Real Friends: How to Build Friendship in a Lonely World

“Without friends, no one can thrive.“

That is a big statement, and I suspect it touches a sensitive place for many of us. I don’t know many people who would confidently say, “I have all the friends I need. I feel deeply known, trusted and understood.”

The research suggests we are forgetting how to be friends. One in two Australians report that their friendship circles are shrinking. Nearly one in eight say they have no close friends at all, and almost 30 per cent feel socially isolated. Only 53 per cent now have weekly face-to-face contact with family or friends outside their immediate household, down from 68 per cent in 2019.

We have never had more ways to connect, yet many of us feel increasingly alone.

The research keeps pointing back to Jesus

I have been reflecting on some of Arthur Brooks’ research into what helps people build a healthy, whole and happy life. Brooks is not writing Scripture, and I don’t agree with everything he says. What interests me is how often serious research into human flourishing leads us back towards things the Bible has been teaching for centuries.

Friendship is one of those things.

When we feel lonely, our attention naturally turns towards what we are missing. We wonder why nobody calls, why we are not included or why others don’t seem to notice us.

That pain is real. Even churches can be places where people feel overlooked, unknown or undervalued.

Jesus does not dismiss that pain, but he does turn the question around.

“A new command I give you,” he says. “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34–35).

Jesus doesn’t tell us to wait until somebody finally understands us. He calls us to love others as he has loved us.

The starting point for friendship is not finding the perfect people. It is becoming the kind of person who knows how to be a friend.

Find some useless friends

Arthur Brooks uses a deliberately provocative phrase. He says we need to find friends who are “useless.”

He doesn’t mean worthless. He means people who are not useful to our ambitions. They cannot advance our careers, increase our status or open doors for us. The relationship is not a stepping stone to something else. Friendship itself is the gift.

Our culture often trains us to build networks rather than friendships. We learn to ask, even unconsciously, “What can this person do for me?” But once people become a means to an end, genuine friendship becomes almost impossible.

Jesus describes a very different approach. When you hold a banquet, he says, don’t only invite the people who can invite you back. Make room for those who cannot repay you (Luke 14:12–14).

This is one reason the church matters.

At its best, a church is full of people you would never have selected for a professional network or social circle. It brings together people of different ages, cultures, personalities, backgrounds and opinions.

At Citywide, we are doing the sometimes complicated work of becoming one church with our Nepalese congregation. That means interpreting meetings and learning how easily Australians and Nepalese people can misunderstand or unintentionally offend one another. Remaining one church is more complicated than staying in our separate groups, but I think this is exactly the kind of work the church is called to do.

I also think of people like Graeme and Louise, who quietly make room in their lives for people who bring complexity with them. They are not asking, “What can this person do for me?” They are simply helping people feel seen and welcome.

People who are different from us expose our impatience, pride and need for control. They make us grow up. A healthy church is not a room full of people who naturally agree. It is a family learning to love one another because all of us have first been loved by Jesus.

Friendship requires humility

One of the quickest ways to lose friends is to treat every disagreement as a threat.

One in six Americans have reportedly cut off contact with friends or family over politics. Australia may not be quite as polarised, but we are moving in the same direction. Increasingly, we seem to believe friendship is only possible with people who share our opinions and view of the world.

Thankfully, in Australia we get some early training in coping with disagreement because we support different football teams. Somehow, we have learned to tolerate Collingwood supporters amongst us!

The deeper disagreements are harder.

Research has found that humility is associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety and higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction. The reason may not be complicated: humble people tend to have more real friends because they are easier to be around.

Humility does not mean thinking you are worthless. As C. S. Lewis famously put it, humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.

For me, humility means living from the truth that God is God and I am not. It is having such a secure identity in Christ that I no longer need to win every argument, prove my worth, defend my status or make everything revolve around me.

That does not mean abandoning your convictions or allowing people to ignore healthy boundaries. It means recognising that I may not see everything clearly. Other people may know things I don’t know and see things I can’t see.

Humility grows when we admit quickly that we may be wrong, welcome contradiction and learn to disagree without treating one another as enemies.

The paradox of friendship is that we often find what we need when we stop making our needs the centre of every relationship. Paul tells us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but to value others above ourselves and look to their interests as well as our own (Philippians 2:3–4).

Friendship always involves risk. The people closest to us are capable of hurting us most deeply. The only way to remain completely safe from relational pain is to avoid relationships altogether—and that is the surest path to hell I know.

We were made for relationships. That means we need the courage to keep opening our lives to people, even when friendship has hurt us before.

Put down the phone and be present

Our phones promise connection, but they can quietly rob us of the time and courage required for friendship.

During the sermon, we asked people to check their screen time. Of the first 39 responses, only one person was using their phone for less than an hour a day. Most were spending somewhere between one and five hours a day on their phones, and a significant number were spending more than five hours.

I often hear people say they don’t have time for relationships. The uncomfortable truth is that many of us have more time than we realise. We have simply allowed our screens to take it.

Research consistently finds that deeper conversations produce greater wellbeing than short digital exchanges. Texting is useful, but it is a terrible place to conduct a complicated relationship. We cannot easily read another person’s tone, expression or intentions through a screen. Difficult conversations should almost never happen through text or email.

When possible, meet face-to-face. If that is impossible, use a video call. If that is impossible, make a phone call. Use text for simple, impersonal or urgent matters.

Relationships happen a bit at a time. They grow through cups of coffee, shared meals, working together, small acts of kindness and conversations that gradually become more honest.

Jesus invested three years in a group of complicated people. They shared meals, travelled together, misunderstood one another, argued, laughed and kept showing up. Even the perfect human being did not expect friendship to be instant or effortless.

Of all the things Jesus could have prayed for his followers, he prayed that we would be one. He believed our relationships with one another could show the world something true about him.

The answer to loneliness is not simply waiting for someone to notice us. It is taking the brave first step of noticing someone else.

Perhaps the place to begin is quite small.

Check your screen time. Think of someone who may be lonely or easily overlooked. Put the phone down and invite them for coffee.

Don’t wait to find the perfect friend. Take one small step towards becoming one.

Your task is to love because you have been loved.

Your task is to be a friend because Jesus is your friend.

Without friends, no one can thrive.

That is a big statement, and for many of us it touches a sensitive place. I don’t know many people who would confidently say, “I have all the friends I need. I feel deeply known, trusted and understood.”

The research suggests this is becoming a widespread problem. One in two Australians report that their friendship circles are shrinking. Nearly one in eight say they have no close friends at all, and almost 30 per cent feel socially isolated. Only 53 per cent of Australians have weekly, face-to-face contact with family or friends outside their immediate household.

We have never had more ways to connect, yet many of us feel increasingly alone.

Friendship begins with becoming a friend

When we feel lonely, our attention naturally turns towards what we are missing. We wonder why nobody calls, why we are not included or why others don’t seem to notice us.

Jesus turns that question around.

“A new command I give you,” he says. “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34–35).

Jesus doesn’t tell us to wait until somebody finally understands us. He calls us to love others as he has loved us. A couple of chapters later, he makes it even clearer: “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).

The starting point for friendship is not finding the perfect people. It is becoming the kind of person who knows how to be a friend.

That will look different for different personalities. Introverts often find it difficult to begin relationships beyond their existing comfort zone. Extroverts can easily make lots of connections while still allowing very few people to know them deeply.

Jesus challenges both. Introverts may need to take the risk of reaching beyond the people they already know. Extroverts may need to stop talking long enough to speak honestly and listen carefully. All of us need friends, but we don’t all face the same obstacles in finding them.

Find some useless friends

Arthur Brooks uses a deliberately provocative phrase. He says we need to find friends who are “useless.”

He doesn’t mean worthless. He means people who are not useful to our ambitions. They cannot advance our careers, increase our status or open doors for us. The relationship is not a stepping stone to something else. Friendship itself is the gift.

Our culture often trains us to build networks rather than friendships. We learn to ask, even unconsciously, “What can this person do for me?” But once people become a means to an end, genuine friendship becomes almost impossible.

Jesus describes a radically different approach. When you hold a banquet, he says, don’t only invite the people who can invite you back. Make room for those who cannot repay you (Luke 14:12–14).

This is one reason the church matters. At its best, a church is full of people you would never have chosen as part of a professional network or social circle. It brings together people of different ages, cultures, backgrounds, personalities and opinions.

That difference can be hard work. It can also be a gift.

People who are different from us expose our impatience, pride and need for control. They make us grow up. A healthy church is not a room full of people who naturally agree. It is a family learning to love one another because all of us have first been loved by Jesus.

Hold your opinions loosely

One of the quickest ways to lose friends is to treat every disagreement as a threat.

Research has found that humility is associated with lower levels of depression and anxiety, and higher levels of happiness and life satisfaction. The reason may not be complicated: humble people tend to have more real friends because they are easier to be around.

Humility does not mean thinking that you are worthless. As C. S. Lewis famously put it, humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.

For me, humility means living from the truth that God is God and I am not. It is having such a secure identity in Christ that I no longer need to win every argument, prove my worth, defend my status or make everything revolve around me.

That doesn’t mean abandoning your convictions or allowing people to ignore healthy boundaries. It means recognising that you may not see everything clearly. Other people may know things you don’t know and see things you can’t see.

Humility grows when we admit quickly that we may be wrong, welcome contradiction and learn to disagree over smaller things without treating one another as enemies. In Australia, supporting different football teams gives us plenty of opportunities to practise!

The paradox of friendship is that we often find what we need when we stop making our needs the centre of every relationship. Paul tells us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but to value others above ourselves and look to their interests as well as our own (Philippians 2:3–4).

A healthy church is not simply a place that exists to meet my needs. It is a community in which all of us learn to notice and care for others.

Choose real love over romance

Our closest friendship will often be with a spouse or partner, but even here our culture can lead us in the wrong direction.

Movies teach us to reach for romance: find the right person, fall in love and live happily ever after. The story usually finishes at the wedding because what happens after the wedding is much more complicated.

The Bible offers a more grounded picture. In Genesis, God does not say Adam needs somebody who will keep him in a constant state of romantic excitement. He says Adam needs a helper—a companion and partner for the journey.

Romance is wonderful, but it is not strong enough to carry a lifelong relationship. Lasting love involves companionship, commitment, shared resources, faithfulness and a willingness to grow through conflict.

One of my favourite U2 lyrics says, “I could never take a chance on losing love to find romance.” That captures the difference. Romance is a feeling we experience. Companionate love is something we build.

And a spouse is not the only friend anyone needs. No single human being can carry the full weight of another person’s emotional and relational world. We all need a broader community of people who know us, challenge us and walk with us.

Step out of the virtual world

Our phones promise connection, but they can quietly rob us of the time and courage required for friendship.

Research consistently finds that deeper conversations produce greater wellbeing than short digital exchanges. Young people who rely more heavily on texting also tend to experience higher levels of depression, anxiety and aggression, along with poorer relationships with their parents.

Texting is useful, but it is a terrible place to conduct a complicated relationship. We cannot easily read another person’s tone, expression or intentions through a screen. Difficult conversations should almost never happen through text or email.

When possible, meet face-to-face. If that is impossible, use a video call. If that is impossible, make a phone call. Use text for simple, impersonal or urgent matters.

Many of us say we don’t have time for relationships while spending several hours each day on our phones. Friendship takes time, and it rarely arrives in one dramatic moment. It grows through cups of coffee, shared meals, serving together, small acts of kindness and conversations that gradually become more honest.

Relationships happen a bit at a time.

Jesus invested three years in a group of complicated people. They shared meals, travelled together, misunderstood one another, argued, laughed and kept showing up. Even the perfect human being did not expect friendship to be instant or effortless.

Of all the things Jesus could have prayed for his followers, he prayed that we would be one. He believed our relationships with one another could show the world something true about him.

The answer to loneliness is not simply waiting for someone to notice us. It is taking the brave first step of noticing someone else.

Your task is to love because you have been loved.

Your task is to be a friend because Jesus is your friend.