You can be a gossip or a follower of Jesus but you can’t be both with integrity.

I’ve been reflecting a bit about gossip, having been on the receiving end of a bit of it and trying to make sense of the experience.

I think I’m seeing more clearly that those who talk about others behind their backs are generally powerless people, and it is that sense of powerlessness that is the impetus for not going directly to the person you have a problem with.

I have lived in a number of intentional communities in my life, and attended a number of different churches. One clear truth is that gossip is a cancer that kills community.

This is nothing new, the book of Proverbs points out the truth in a very straightforward way;

Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)
A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Proverbs 26:20 (NIV)
Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.

Conflict was always going to be an issue in the early church so Jesus goes to great length to spell out a clear process for dealing with serious disagreement:

Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV)
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. [16] But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that `every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ [17] If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Jesus was clear, conflict is not something to be avoided, but something to be dealt with head on.

My favorite Proverb is Proverbs 27:17:

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

If the avoidance of conflict and gossip is the epitome of unhealthy community, this proverb is a picture of healthy community.

I found the book “Reaching Out” by Henri Nouwen extremely helpful in challenging my attitudes and helping me think through what practical faith is actually about. He devotes one third of the book to hospitality, and as well as giving space for people he talks about the necessity of conflict in real hospitality:

When we want to be really hospitable we not only have to receive strangers but also to confront them by an unambiguous presence, not hiding ourselves behind neutrality but showing our ideas, opinions and life style clearly and distinctly. No real dialogue is possible between somebody and a nobody. We can enter into communication with the other only when our own life choices, attitudes and viewpoints offer the boundaries that challenge strangers to become aware of their own position and to explore it critically.

I realize that too often in life I have acted more like marshmallow than iron, because sharpening another person by definition requires my dull edges to also be rubbed away.

I’m really enjoying my life at the moment. I think I am increasingly finding my voice and being less apologetic about it. That doesn’t mean I have the right to dominate others, but it does mean I am increasingly becoming an unambiguous presence. I’ve still got a way to go though.

Steven Covey wrote the 8th Habit a number of years after the “7 Habits of highly effective people”. He described the 8th Habit as “finding your voice and helping others find theirs.”

I think the reason gossip is so deadly is that it robs both the gossip and the person being gossiped about, of their voices. Instead of iron sharpening iron dialogue, dehumanizing rumor sets the agenda and relationships are broken.

I’m increasingly coming to the point of view that you can be a gossip or a follower of Jesus but you can’t be both with integrity.