The point of influence

Well I’m back at an airport, readying myself for my favourite flight… the one home.

This week has been very helpful for me.

I have been with 29 other emerging leaders in the Christian church as part of the Arrow Leadership program. Arrow started in the USA and was brought to Australia in the 1980s. This week was the second of four residential conferences that are combined with reading, reflection and mentoring to make the 2 year arrow experience what it is. You can check out more info about it at www.arrowaustralia.com.au

There was a lot packed into the week and I’ll be processing it for a while to come but the major thing that hit me between the line happened in the context of a conversation in passing.

I was reflecting with a fellow student about my dialogue with the director of Arrow about the results of a feedback process that 20 people who I work with, and have worked with, were involved in. Basically they each answer a bunch of questions that are specific to me and I have to answer the same questions.

One of the major results was that for 37 of the questions I marked myself significantly lower than the others did. Apparently the number of times I did that is unusual. I was told that the lady who administers the results said “either Matt is very bad at maths or he is too down on himself”.

The results were generally quite affirming but I found myself living with and feeling the negatives much more deeply than the positives.

Through the week it became very clear that I need to face my lack of self confidence, that it holds me back. A number of people would probably be surprised to hear that self confidence is an issue for me because I do a lot of up front stuff. In fact I do feel more comfortable in front of 1000 people than I do meeting one person for the first time.

The survey showed me just how “out” my radar is in evaluating the impact I have on others.

What really hit me between the eyes was when one of the guys pointed out that a lack of self confidence was not humility but pride.

When I hold back because I don’t feel comfortable, or even if I don’t hold back but carry a huge emotional weight because of fear I will fail, I am actually seeing that my capacity is the major factor. Basically I am saying that I’m the centre of the universe and the world depends on my capacity. A lack of self confidence is actually a lack of confidence in God.

I’m seeing more of the way God has been working with me throughout my life. The first verse that really spoke to me was Proverbs 3:5-6:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

I can see more clearly now that in giving me that verse, God was really naming the journey I would be embarking on for most of my life.

You don’t have to read too many of the reflections on this blog to pick up that the wrestle with trusting God is a big one.

In some ways though I had thought that my lack of self confidence was not too bad a thing. I hadn’t made the link between that and faith (I’m a bit slow!).

It has been refreshing to name some of my strengths, the gifts God has given me. I can see my life could be a lot more effective if I focus more on their strengths than on the weaknesses I think I see.

I have a sense that God is inviting me to step up to a new level at the moment, but I’m still working out what that means. I know part of it is finishing the two books I am currently working on and in coming days I will seek your help in refining them by putting excerpts up for you to read.

I have a sense that I might be entering a new phase of productivity in my life, but I guess watch this space!