Relationships are a pain

Marshmallow doesn’t sharpen Iron

I just got off the phone from an interview by my friend Dave Hammond, host of the Conversation. (www.conversation.org.au) and I figured I was thinking so much there was no way I would get to sleep, so I would write a blog.

He was talking to me about my new book which is based on this blog. It was a great chat that probably blew his program out of the water because it went so long. Apparently the interview will be available on Itunes later this week as a podcast.

We talked about the wrestle of faith and the need for friends on the journey.

One of the things we chatted about is how relationships can be so painful and messy and yet they are what we need if we are to stay sane.

I mentioned that I have discovered that generally speaking, the people you hurt the most are also the people you love the most. Leeanne is the person I love the most in the whole world, but because I am often selfish and insensitive, she is the person I have also hurt the most. Is this true in your relationships too?

I had in my head the verse from Proverbs 27:17:

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

This is an interesting metaphor. I get the picture that we start out like big uneven lumps of raw metal, and then gradually as we bang up against one another, the uneven bits fly off and we are honed into a sharp blade that becomes increasingly effective at sharpening others.

The thing is, you get sharper through loss.

There are habits, thoughts and attitudes that are confronted when we encounter each other, and losing or changing them can be a painful process.

The picture of iron sharpening iron is a great one but it makes clear the danger and pain associated with real fellowship.

I am reminded of one of the most helpful paragraphs I have read in a book. It comes from “Reaching Out” by Henri Nouwen towards the end of the chapter Forms of Hospitality:

When we want to be really hospitable we not only have to receive strangers but also to confront them by an unambiguous presence, not hiding ourselves behind neutrality but showing our ideas, opinions and life style clearly and distinctly. No real dialogue is possible between somebody and a nobody. We can enter into communication with the other only when our own life choices, attitudes and viewpoints offer the boundaries that challenge strangers to become aware of their own position and to explore it critically.

In short: Iron sharpens Iron, but we have to do the work to actually be Iron and not marshmallow, because marshmallow doesn’t sharpen iron.

Being Iron can be scary though, because conflict can be scary.

Relationships hurt, but sometimes its the good hurt that happens when the self-absorbed, immature or self focused part of me has to face a reality different to mine, and change.

I’m pretty sure it’s not possible for a piece of iron to sharpen itself!