22 Aug 2010
Step six: Allow them to be them
Can you let them be different?
Once you have worked our what matters for you and what your feelings are, and done your best to work out what matters for them and what their feelings are, the next step is for that to be ok!
One of the great journeys of my married life was the dawning realisation that Leeanne was different to me.
If you are experiencing conflict it is because the other person/party sees the world differently to you.
Is that ok?
In a cult everyone walk, talks and dresses the same. The more we open ourselves to God, the more we become unique.
One of the mistakes we can make in relationships is to try to treat everyone equally. Eugene Edwards said:
If by saying that all men are born equal, you mean that they are equally born, it is true, but true in no other sense; birth, talent, labor, virtue, and providence, are forever making differences.
It can be tempting to think that conflict will only be resolved when ‘they’ think like you. That’s not resolution that’s dictatorship.
“To observe people in conflict is a necessary part of a child’s education. It helps him to understand and accept his own occasional hostilities and to realize that differing opinions need not imply an absence of love.”
“A good manager doesn’t try to eliminate conflict; he tries to keep it from wasting the energies of his people. If you’re the boss and your people fight you openly when they think that you are wrong – that’s healthy.”
“Mankind must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love.”
Step six is:
Seek acceptance from within yourself that what the other person is feeling is reasonable for them to feel, at this point.
Their feelings may not seem reasonable from your perspective. but your ability to understand their perspective is a real test of your capacity to be merciful.
(You might ask yourself, in what ways these feelings would be normal for them What would be a normal reaction for them in this particular situation?)