21 Aug 2010

Step four and five: See things from their point of view

The world makes more sense when you are not at the centre

After stopping long enough to objectively review your own position, the next step is to engage with the other persons position.

An old American Indian Proverb says:

Never criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.

This image is a great picture of what Hebrew people meant by the word “mercy”. One of the best descriptions of mercy is “actually seeing things from another persons point of view”.

As I have already mentioned, the Glory of God is a fundamental framework for the resolution of conflict, and Mercy is an intrinsic part of it.

It’s not easy to see something from another person’s point of view, particularly when that point of view is causing friction between you.

One approach to seeing their point of view is to try to imagine what the world looks like from their perspective. That is useful and a good place to start, however the only real way to know another person’s world is to ask them.
Kenneth A. Wells said:
“A good listener tries to understand what the other person is saying. In the end he may disagree sharply, but because he disagrees, he wants to know exactly what it is he is disagreeing with.”
M. Scott Peck indicates that to truly listen to another person it is necessary to put your own pre-conceptions aside, at least for a moment:
“An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one’s own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker’s world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually and extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will fell less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again.”
Conflict is normal, however sadly conflict is often damaging because we don’t really take the time to see things from the point of view of the other.
Influential American Journalist and Radio Broadcaster, Dorothy Thompson said:
Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of creative alternatives for responding to conflict — alternatives to passive or aggressive responses, alternatives to violence.
Without mercy, there are no creative alternatives for conflict. It will always be destructive.
So steps four and five are about engaging with the other side of the conflict.
Step Four is:
Write down how you think the other person would see the issue or interpret the situation.
Be as objective as you can. You may want somebody close to the other person to help you understand, to make sure you’ve got it right. Obviously the best way, if possible, is simply to ask them.

Step Five is:

As clearly as possible, try to sense what the other person would be feeling about the situation.

No judgements! This is where you need to be merciful. Get inside their skin and then write down what you think their feelings would be.

Again, if possible, it is best to simply ask them.


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One Response to “Step four and five: See things from their point of view”

  1. So true matt- its taking the spec out of ones own eye eh! God lifts the humble.

     

    Laurence Brenda Northeast

    August 21st, 2010 at 8:55 pmpermalink

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