Put down your guns

Fighting for everyone to win

While I am on holidays I thought I would do a series of posts about a strategy for dealing with conflict.

Conflict isn’t a bad thing, in fact I would like to suggest that it’s not possible to have real community without it. However most of us find conflict difficult and experience it as a fight to get someone else to see the world the way we do.

Carl Jung said:

“The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.”

My dad once said “You will never change somebodies opinion by giving another opinion”. That little statement has stayed with me and I have come to see how true it is.

The starting point to having effective conflict is about what you aim for.

If your goal is to win and the other party to lose, then your conflict will feel like a fight to the death (even if it’s about something stupid).

Stephen Covey in his book, ‘7 Habits of highly effective people‘ says we need to think ‘win-win’:

Most of us learn to base our self-worth on comparisons and competition. We think about succeeding in terms of someone else failing–that is, if I win, you lose; or if you win, I lose. Life becomes a zero-sum game. There is only so much pie to go around, and if you get a big piece, there is less for me; it’s not fair, and I’m going to make sure you don’t get anymore. We all play the game, but how much fun is it really?

Win-win sees life as a cooperative arena, not a competitive one. Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying. We both get to eat the pie, and it tastes pretty darn good!

A person or organization that approaches conflicts with a win-win attitude possesses three vital character traits:

1. Integrity: sticking with your true feelings, values, and commitments
2. Maturity: expressing your ideas and feelings with courage and consideration for the ideas and feelings of others
3. Abundance Mentality: believing there is plenty for everyone

Many people think in terms of either/or: either you’re nice or you’re tough. Win-win requires that you be both. It is a balancing act between courage and consideration. To go for win-win, you not only have to be empathic, but you also have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you also have to be brave. To do that–to achieve that balance between courage and consideration–is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win.

So the starting point of healthy conflict is to ‘think win-win’.

Back in the International Year of Peace (1986), my Dad worked with others to produce a white paper called “Bringing Peace to Earth” in which they highlighted 11 steps for conflict that can be constructive and lead to a genuinely ‘win-win’ outcome.

Over the next days I am planning to outline and expand on those 11 steps, which I have found both helpful and enlightening after picking them up again after a number of years.

Part of the reason I want to share them with you is that I actually want to help them become part of my normal response to conflict, rather than something I heard about a number of years ago.

I hope you find them as helpful as I do.